CHOOSE JOY

I can't believe that a month has gone by since I last posted anything. Time goes by incredibly fast. I need to pay closer attention to that. Life has been so busy over the last month. We finished our official soccer season the last weekend of October. It was a beautiful weekend for a tournament and all four of our oldest children played. My step-mom and dad (Nana and Grandpa) came in for a visit for 5 days and were able to see the kids play ball. I was well that weekend and was able to go to the tournament both days and walk the fields!!! Praise the Lord for that! My children played so well! I love to watch them play ball. My parents had a great time and enjoyed getting to spend time with their grandkids. Tristyn and Brityn had a great time out at the fields playing with each other and their friends. It was a two day family affair, we were all there and it was fantastic! I love getting to be with my family and the fact that Jared was able to be at all the games and not work made the weekend even better.

Nana and Grandpa left that Monday. It's always hard to say goodbye. I wish desperately that I had parents that lived here and my children do too. Nana sat at the table so often during that 5 days and talked to the kids about Jesus and how much he loves them. It isn't just conversation to her, it is everything she is. In the years since I have known her she has always radiated the love of Christ. My relationship grew tremendously with her after Austin was born. I was 18 and had just graduated from high school. I needed a safe place for awhile and I went to Florida. It was then that I was exposed to Jesus in a way that I had never seen and honestly I was so turned off at first. They were so weird. They never watched the news, they monitored every tv program, my little brother Christopher told on himself for everything (who does that??) and my mom constantly talked about the Lord. I was a trainwreck at that point in my life. I am pretty sure I hurt every person I came in contact with. There are so many people in my life that I wish I could personally apologize to. But through it all, 3 moves in and out of their home, my step-mom and dad loved me and introduced my gently to Jesus. They never pushed me. They just lived it out in front of me. It is who they are. Not perfect but precious. Jesus met me right where I was in the mess of my life and I learned that I was a wreck but that I didn't have to stay there. My Sunday school teacher back then shared his testimony of the years he spent partying and how he met Jesus in the bathtub at a strange persons house when he was covered in his own vomit. Gross, yes, but if Jesus could love and change him after all that, he surely could love and change me after all that I had done. It took years before I really understood the decision that I made back then at 19, but He never left me. I learned during those early years that He pursues relentlessly. I loved listening to Nana tell my children all those same things, knowing that her life story has left a tremendous legacy already. My dad is a believer as well and his story is just as beautiful, just much more quiet. I have learned that as well, none of our stories or the way we share them are the same and they aren't supposed to be. God uniquely created each one of us and has a plan for each of our lives. The world would be an incredibly boring place if we were all the same.

A week or so after Nana and Grandpa left, my best friend since junior high came to see me. Its been over two years since we've seen each other. We got to go on a shopping and dinner date which was so nice. Saturday Jared and I surprised the kids with tickets to the Razorback game! We all loaded up and went. We had a great time and it was fun getting to be there with Kala. Having her here was amazing. I am so grateful for the years that we've been friends and for the years that we spent not talking to each other. I love her dearly and I realized while she was here that I have taken that relationship for granted. We've been friends for so long and been through so much, that I think I just assumed that it would always be that way. I guess it is sortof like assuming that we are guaranteed a tomorrow. I don't want to take relationships for granted, especially the ones when it is so comfortable and familar that you don't feel the need to talk all the time. It is ok just to sit and be together with a warm cup of coffee. The time went by way too fast but it was a sweet time and I am so thankful for that.

This last week has been a rough week for me, I have not felt very well and I have been waking up in the middle of the night in terrible pain. Kala saw a few days that were rough and I had prayed and prayed that she wouldn't have to see that. If I could shut everyone off from that it seems it would be better. Even though I know that is ridiculous and a total lie, it seems so logical to me. That is the other thing that I am learning, to be humble. I have been blessed with family and friends who love me, love my man and love our children dearly. I hate to be a burden to anyone and when I am down I feel like an anchor pulling everyone down. When I sit in bible study on Wednesday nights and the sweet ladies share their hearts and their burdens during prayer time, I am so encouraged by their transparency and the fact that they let us in so we can lay them at the feet of Jesus. Why do I have such an inability to allow others to do the same for me? I am a very transparent person, until the last few years. The hard times we had bringing Muluken and Gifte home and then the struggles I have with being sick are hard for me to talk about. I have found that writing helps. Sharing the depth of my soul right now is a scary place. I know the legacy I desire to leave to my children and to others. I know how I desire to love my man and my family and friends, pulling away doesn't get you there and neither does fake.

I had my Remicade treatment today. I go every six weeks for a 2 hour infusion of medicine that works sortof like chemo to somehow shut down my immune system or something. I am much better on the meds then I was before I was able to start taking them but it is just hard. I have sweet friends who take me to my appointment and we get to talk during that time. Today I got steriod shots in my knees because they are inflammed and hurting so bad. I get to see another doctor to find out about getting shots in my back and neck. I may not be able to do that though because my insurance does not cover my disease or anything to do with my spine and neck. I am praying for answers for that. I came home and my sweet man came out to walk me in and each of my children came for lots of loves. Another friend brought dinner and sat and talked with me. Precious! I am truly a loved woman and when I put it into words I see the provision and the blessings the Lord has provided in the midst of the hard times. I just keep wishing I wasn't battling this disease, that I wasn't a burden but rather a blessing to those who the Lord has surrounded me with. I tell my children often that they need to change their perspective. Maybe it is time that I take my own advice. I hate this disease. I hate the pain that I live in and the help that I require. I hate that my husband and children live constantly on the look out for stairs, things on the ground I might trip over, things I can't or shouldn't pick up and a thousand other things. I hate being a burden to anyone. I hate that I can't sleep through the night because I wake up in pain. I hate that I can't walk normal sometimes or sleep normal in a bed. I hate that I take medicine everyday and that I have to take pain medicine sometimes to get through the day. I hate that I miss things like church and bible study, my kids games and things they like to do on days when I am bad. My kids play ball tomorrow in a 3 v 3 tournament and I probably won't be able to go. I hate that. I hate that I am using the word hate because we don't use that word in our house, it's not nice. But...... it is how I feel. Now that I have said all that I feel, it's time to CHOOSE JOY! Those two words will be my next tatoo on my foot. I need to remember that it is a choice. I need to change my perspective and CHOOSE JOY! I am alive, not dying. I am loved and cherished by the Creator of the Universe and He has blessed me with a man who loves the Lord and loves me deeply. I love my husband and enjoy being with him. I have six beautiful children who love the Lord and love each other and love me, even when I can't stand up straight and they have to help me walk, they don't care. I not only have Nana and Grandpa, I have my mom (Grammie) who I have a fantastic relationship with. I still talk to my step-dad who raised me. I have my brother, and Rae Rae and Lexi. I have Jared's family. I am a YaYa to many :-) I have precious friends, some who live here and several who live so far away. I have kids who were once part of our "college ministry" who have now become family. I have an amazing group of women in bible study and I love our church family. I have a great doctors. I have a beautiful home and great animals. I have food on my table and a warm bed to sleep in. I have so many more precious gifts God has given to me. Maybe I need to start the 1000 blessings list. These are the things I need to focus on. A lesson in gratitude really. It could always be worse and for many it is. A little girl named Stella is fighting for her life in the hospital in Little Rock. Her parents have already lost one child. I don't understand things like that, but in praying for that family, it is another reminder that where I am isn't so bad after all. A change in perspective, a place and a time to remember to CHOOSE JOY! no matter where we are in life. God is still sovereign. That is the legacy I want to leave. One full of love and joy, even in the hard times. I am not even close to that place but I am striving to get there. I am so grateful that God's grace is sufficient and that is love abounds more and more. He doesn't leave us where we are but promises to continue his work until we are mature and complete, lacking nothing. A beautiful promise from a faithful King.

His Schedule, Not Mine

It has been the longest 2 weeks of my life. My pain level has been tremendous and the days have faded in and out. The saddest day was Sunday. Two years ago this past Sunday, October 9, was our anniversary of bringing Muluken and Gifte home from Ethiopia. It was the day we stepped off the plane onto American soil into the waiting arms of precious family and friends. I desire to re-live those moments with our children again. To show them all of the videos and pictures of that day and of everything that led up to it. Last year they would not have really understood. They were still learning English, we were still battling to be a family and build trust and relationships. This year though its different. I want to go back through those treasured nine months. Through each event and each moment where God showed himself to be so faithful. I wish that I could go to each person who prayed, provided and encouraged us in the process to say thank you again. There would never be enough ways to say thank you. I pray that the Lord richly blesses each one of those people, some of whom we never met. It took the movement of a mountain to bring them home, and God didn't do it through the faith of one or two, he did it through the faith of many. The body of Christ coming together for a common goal. Amazing! This year they will understand. Muluken found one of the tickets that we sold for our Spaghetti Dinner Fundraiser in a box the other day and he asked what it was. We have shown him pictures in the past but it seemed to be dawning on him in a new way. We described it and he asked, "May I keep this one?" Yes sir you may. Never forget how much God loves you. He never left you alone. He never leaves any of us alone, even when we feel alone. His plans and his ways are perfect.

All this being said, we never got to do all that I wanted to do. Instead, I spent the day on the couch in terrible pain. My four older children went to a soccer tournament with their daddy. Three of them played in it. I didn't get to go. I hate missing their games. I went on Saturday and it was just too much. We ended up having sweet friends for dinner that night who were so gracious and prepared a meal for us. But I had it in my mind what I wanted to do and it all went out the window. Isn't that just life? We have our carefully laid out plans and in the end, it isn't about our plans anyway? I need to choose joy no matter what. I enjoyed our company and so did Jared and the kids. It was a sweet time. I think sometimes I enjoy more in life when I am forced to sit and observe rather then jumping in and trying to take care of everything. I am definitely a "Martha" and I struggle to be a Mary. It must be one of the things I am to learn through the process of the ups and downs of this disease, to be a Mary. To be still and know that he is God.

So I am feeling significantly better, still a bit of a hobble and a lot of pain but so much better then a few days ago and my head is beginning to clear. I never understood true chronic pain. Yes, I had 5 shoulder surgeries from the time I was 13 until I was 17 and I have always had shoulder pain. This is different. The pain can be so bad that its like your brain shuts down just to deal with it. I am not even sure how to explain it but I am climbing out of the hole now! Praise Jesus! I am trying not to think about a few weeks from now but instead to focus on the here and now. It is 12am and I can't sleep because my back and hips and a few other joints hurt so bad. I can't lay flat on my back yet and that makes it hard for me to sleep. I chose to do something productive and that is write. I want to hide and push everyone away. I realized that it doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this, it helps me to put it down and get it out. Maybe someday my kids will read it and as they read about my struggle to live my faith out and to cling to Jesus no matter what, it will be encouraging to them. That is my prayer. We will have a whole day soon to go back through those nine months and to remember how faithful God was and how faithful he still is. That day will just have to be on his schedule, not mine.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

The story I never finished

I read back through some of my old posts and realized that I started a story and never finished it. We did finally move. It's been almost a year since we've been in our home. So many changes in such a short period of time. This home is our home. It has the land that we desired and the room to roam and play. It is only a 3 bedroom house, with the girls bedroom being large enough to accommodate the four of them and the messes that girls make. We have been blessed to be able to build some fences and fill the fenced areas with animals. 2 horses, 5 goats, 7 guineas, ducks and like 60 chickens. The horses make me the happiest. I am not super comfortable on them yet and many days I am unable to get on them or even walk out to see them but I know they are there. I forgot, we also have a cow. His name is Beef. The thought of him just makes me laugh. Supposedly we are going to eat him! I don't know about that, he is so incredibly cute. We have had some of the funniest scenes of the kids running through the pasture chasing the cow that Austin roped. Beef still had the rope attached to his neck. All 6 of the kids were chasing him around the pasture and he was dragging them on the rope. The boys finally teamed up around his neck and pulled the rope off as the cow was bucking wildly. I would have paid money to catch it on video but I was on the phone with Jared and laughing too hard to remember something as silly as a video.

I sit on my bed sometimes, like this morning, and watch my children and the children of my dear friends, running through the pasture chasing ducks and chickens. This is the best place to this side of heaven. I will post pictures soon. When I was little and I envisioned the best life possible, it would have been something and some place like this.

Choosing to SEE

I was up late last night reading the book, "Choosing to SEE" by MaryBeth Chapman. The book was funny and heart wrenching all at the same time. I saw myself in her words and in her actions. It made me realize how important it is to put my feelings down on paper. Truth be told, I have stayed away from blogging because it requires me to be completely honest and honesty has been very difficult.....

I started this post almost a year ago. I really haven't had a lot of nice things to say. My emotions have been all over the place. A huge part of my heart wants to scream at the Lord, "WHY!!!!" But when I ask the question quietly, all I receive in return is, "Why not?" I went a few weeks ago to a women's conference and the speaker talked about the instant miracles and what she called "the long way around." I have desperately desired an instant miracle to so many things. An instantaneous answer to the ups and downs with our children, to the hours my sweet man works, and an instantaneous healing for the disease that feels like it is killing me. No, I am not dying. But there is part of my soul that feels like it is. I feel like a toddler who is throwing a kicking, screaming temper tantrum. I am telling the Lord the whole way, "NO!!!!!!!"

A month before we left to bring our children home from Ethiopia I was told that I definitely had some sort of auto-immune disease. The disease was what was causing the severe swelling in my joints, pain, fatigue, hair loss, rashes, stomach problems and the constant injuries that hindered my ability to run consistently. She started me on meds and off we went to Ethiopia. I cannot believe that as I write this, we are approaching 2 years since they set foot on American soil. It has been a hard road but one that is so worth it. All of that must be saved for another post.

I read a blog recently of a family who was dealing with all of the things that happen after the airport. She was willing to be so honest and transparent. I admire that in her. I just hid. I didn't have anything nice to say, I was overwhelmed and sad and in a lot of pain. Too many adjustments in too short of a time.

My first rheumatologist passed away last September. I was devastated and then a few days later, a friend that God graciously put in my life, died of cancer. Grief weighed heavy upon my soul. I was referred to a new doctor and I finally received a definitive diagnosis. Ankylosing Spondylitis. A long, hard road to reach an explanation of the things that I have battled for years. The back and hip pain, the problems with my shoulders, the swelling in my joints, my hair falling out, the fatigue and so many other things. It was nice to have a name for it on one hand and horrible on the other.

My youngest brother has a disease in the same family. He was diagnosed when he was 2. The road has been long and hard for him. I see him and how well he is doing, all things considering, and I have hope. But days like yesterday, I feel completely hopeless. The pain is excruciating. I had my Remicade treatment on Tuesday. It was my 7th treatment. Once every 6 weeks. My life is lived in 6 week cycles. When I first started the Remicade, I believed that I had found the miracle drug. It cleared the fog in my brain and I felt amazing. Slowly, the pain increased and so did the fatigue. We just upped my meds and started a new pain medicine. I am allergic to the other. It makes me itch like I have fire ants crawling all over me. The days after my Remicade treatment are pretty hard. It is usually a hard week getting to the treatment and another hard one after with each day gradually getting better. At this point, my disease feels totally out of control. My steroids are up and I am having to take pain meds consistently, which I hate.

People say, "Where does it hurt?" Today you mean???? Right now??? Or an hour from now??? I hurt everywhere. Some days are much better than other days, but there is never a day anymore where I am pain free. I am tired and emotionally spent. I have nothing left to give. I have always been a pursuer of a friend. I can no longer be that kind of friend. I have very little left on days like today and on good days I tend to overdo to compensate for the bad days. This becomes a vicious cycle.

Oh, how I desire to live victoriously in the midst of an illness. I desire for my sweet man and my precious children to see me not as a quitter but as a fighter. Some days I don't have the energy to fight. I just want to sleep and the pain to stop. What if this is it? What if this is the best it gets? I am surrounded by optimistic people. But really, what if? I can take those thoughts captive all day long but when I wake up in the morning and I think, "today is going to be a better day" and I roll over and still hurt, what then? His grace is sufficient for me. Whether it is a good day or a bad day. Jesus isn't surprised or shocked at where I am or even how I am feeling. His heart is sad that my heart is sad. I know he cares about my man and my children even more than I ever could. He cares that they get embarrassed when I hobble around and when they don't know what to do to help. He cares about my sweet friends who just aren't sure how to help. I desire to choose to SEE the good in the midst of the storm. To not take my eyes off Jesus no matter how badly I hurt. To reflect him in everything. I have to learn to live life differently now, I can no longer do the same things the same way as I used to. I keep telling myself that doesn't make me less then, it just is. I am a wife, a mother to six, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a daughter of the king of kings and lord of lords. I am sad and broken and in agony. I am happy and joyful at the precious life God has given me and the special people he has surrounded me with. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but I am praying that I will choose to have a good attitude. To chose joy in whatever circumstances come and to enjoy those who God has surrounded me with. I choose to be honest and transparent, even if what I have to say isn't pleasant. I choose to be me, right where I am and allow God to shine through my broken and imperfect self and hopefully others will see how beautiful and perfect he is. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher then the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55: 8-9. He knows what is best and sees the big picture. I see the small right here, right now picture. Oh, Lord let me have eyes to see what you see. To focus on you and all that is good, like the laughter coming from the little girls riding scooters on the front porch. Thank you for sweet times and even sweeter grace.

The Gift of a Game of Frisbee

KK had soccer practice tonight. We all loaded up, like always, to go to the field together. KK practiced and the rest of us played frisbee. I learned today that I can still out run Austin. Today will be a glory day because by tomorrow he will probably be able to outrun me. Time goes by so fast. They grow too quickly. Tristyn just celebrated her 6th birthday. We are celebrating almost a year since we brought Muluken and Gifte home. Kailyn is going to be 9 in a month. It is almost like blinking. It happens without you even realizing what is going on.

Playing frisbee today was fun and carefree. My boys chased me and tackled me to get the frisbee. Gifte and I tried to team up against the boys. The little girls played in the sand and Jared, my hero, made sure I never went without the frisbee for long. The weather was warm but breezy. I can tell that fall is coming. It is my favorite season. What a special day! We laughed and chased each other all over the soccer field. To often I get caught up in doing instead of being. I am so thankful for the hour we played today. I wish I had pictures, but I didn't have my phone or any type of electronic device. I am so thankful for today. Thankful for a simple game of frisbee with my family. I am praying for many more simple times.

Changes

As many of you know we moved into a new house in December of 2009, a little over 2 months after bringing our children home from Ethiopia. We just sold that big, beautiful house. It hasn't even been a year. The Lord began to speak to Jared right after we moved in. He cried a lot and said that he felt that we had done the wrong thing. I kept thinking that he was just being sentimental and missed our old home. Yet, he persisted. When I finally caught on, which took awhile, we began to pray that God would make us like-minded. Whichever direction that might be, we had never been so far from one another when it came to something like this.

Over time, God began to move my heart in the direction that Jared's had already been for months. When I realized that I had lost the vision that God had given to me for my family, I began to see the holes. I am not sure that I really even know how to explain the holes. We had a vision for our family, not one that we had ever written down, but a vision nonetheless. We desired land, dirt piles, room to run and feast on the little things that God created. To be barefoot and free. Sounds weird. We spent hours outside at our other house. We played soccer, football, baseball, hide and go seek in the dark, races up and down the yard, swimming in the pool, climbing trees, riding bikes, caring for others animals, growing a garden (more on that later), swinging and looking up at the sky through the branches on the tree, pulling weeds and talking about how much weeds represent sin in our lives, digging in the dirt and so much more. Our other house was small and cozy, a place to sit and chat for hours, to play on the wood floor and to hear whispers from the kids across the hall because they were right there. It was a place that was always packed full of people. Whether it was family dinners, college night, movie nights or any number of other reasons, we filled that tiny house.

This house is different. It is beautiful, don't get me wrong, the kind of house we always dreamed of living in. God gave us our dream and then used it to show us that it wasn't everything we thought it would be. My girls have a movie called "Gigi" and Gigi wants Princess Pinkie Stars castle for her birthday. Her father keeps trying to tell her that it isn't for her, that he has something better planned for her, that is made just for her. But she persists and in her dream she is given Princess Pinkie Stars castle, only to find out that nothing is the right size for her. She wanted a chocolate milk moat, which come to find out, attracts bees. She wanted wild flowers instead of fir trees. She is allergic to flowers. The story goes on to make it very obvious that our King has something far better planned for us than we could even ask or imagine. That story reminds me of us. We didn't push to get into this house. God opened all the doors for us to be here, in less than 3 weeks. It has been a safe, comfortable home where our family has been able to make some enormous transitions and adjustments. It has also been a place where Jared and I have learned valuable lessons. I do not think we made a mistake. After all, I believe that scripture that says,

"God works all things for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."

I just believe that our time here is done. This house served it purpose for the season we needed it. Not long after we both received confirmation and God restored our vision, we put our house on the market with no idea what we were to do next. Six weeks later we have a contract on our house and we are praying for direction. We are open to wherever the Lord leads.

We are looking for a place with land that we can have some horses, goats, chickens and a garden. Nearly every year we had a garden in our other house, it rarely grew anything, but it was always there. A place with riding lawnmowers, tractors, bare feet, flowers and all kinds of nasty creatures (like the frogs I found hidden under a tupperware container today) that my children love to capture. A place where my children learn to work the land and work hard, where I can learn the same and where my precious husband can return to his roots. He grew up farming, milking cows and raising all sorts of strange creatures. I grew up in the city and had nothing like that. It was a life style that I always desired. My mom used to tell me that I was a "small town" girl at heart. I knew I wanted to marry my husband when he climbed up on a tractor in his church clothes to take the kids for a ride.

We desire a smaller house, with only 3 bedrooms instead of 4. My little girls never sleep in their room, they beg to be with their older sisters or they sleep in our room. The bedrooms are all the way across the house here. It breaks my heart when Brityn comes running across the house crying at one in the morning because she is scared. Everyone said we would love the space, love the split floor plan and all the room. We are getting lost in this house. I want to hear the whispers across the hall, the giggles as the talk over the events of the day. I love that my children want to be with each other in the same room. I liked when they were under my feet and in every room that I was in. But somewhere along the line, I forgot that. I struggled going from 4 to 6 children and then being very sick on top of that, just magnified the frustration. I wouldn't go back and change the decisions, not one of them. I am so thankful for the things that God reminded me of. Lessons that I wouldn't have learned any other way. I love that He knows best and also knows the best way to allow us to learn and grow, "so that we may be mature and complete, lacking nothing."

We are excited to see what the Lord does. We are praying for his provision and not our own. Our children are also excited for whatever is in store for our family in the upcoming months. Fall is my favorite time of the year. This summer has been tremendous and we have come to understand so many things. I look forward to the changes and know that the Lord has something good planned. We just have to wait for him to tell us :-)

Starting Over

Life has taught me so many lessons. The one that seems to most repeat itself more consistently than any other is starting over. Starting over in the middle of a day go awry. Starting over in the middle of a conversation when the conversation has gone a direction that I didn't intend for it to go or my emotions got the best of my tone of voice. Starting over when I decide that I would rather retire for the rest of the day or maybe even the rest of the month. Starting over writing on a blog that I have the best intentions of keeping up with but seem to fail at every time. Starting over when I miscount how many cups of flour I have put into a recipe because I am distracted by the children hovering around the Kitchen-Aid. Starting over when I say 'No" to the kids without thinking about why I just answered 'No' and going back to apologize and say 'Yes'. The amazing thing about God is he allows us the ability to start over, if we are willing to humble ourselves under his mighty hand. To say we are wrong and need to start again. To seek forgiveness and then right our wrongs. Sometimes they may not even be wrongs, they may just be a different direction than where God desires us to go. How often I am reminded that God's mercies are new each and every day. How many times I also forget that and I get bogged down by the past, the mistakes that I have made and the consequences that my family or I suffer as a result of continuing in my willfulness instead of listening to "the still small voice" and turning from my ways and running toward him.
I am beginning to see these things in my children. One of my daughters spoke out of turn and disrespectfully to her teacher, who is also like her aunt, today. When Jared and I sat her down to talk to her about it. She said, "I didn't mean to say that or say it like I did, it just came out that way." She started to cry and wiped her tears with her t-shirt as she lay in my lap. I saw myself in her as she sat there and cried over what she had done. She meant no harm but was unable to stop the words before they left her mouth. It is a 'start over' moment. She cannot undo what was done, but she can go back and right her wrong. As we know, that is where the hard part comes in. Writing a heartfelt letter of apology is easy, but standing up in a classroom full of children to apologize to them and to her teacher for her conduct is not easy. She is worried about what they will say about her. At eight it is hard to understand that others opinions should matter little to us in comparison with what God's opinion of us is. I desire for her to stand before a living and holy God, able to humble herself and find his forgiveness. We will be standing beside her as a physical reminder to her that Christ is with her at all times. His strength is made perfect in our weakness and He will uphold her with his mighty hand. Seeking forgiveness from others is so hard because it requires us to lay our pride down. I know that God will honor KK and bless her willingness to seek forgiveness both publicly and privately. I also know that she will be setting a great example for the other children in her Sunday School class. The freedom she will feel on the other side will be tremendous and will make it so much easier for her to apologize in the future. The public profession of her disrespect will also help her to think twice about saying unkind things. She isn't one who would ever intentionally hurt someone with her words or her actions but she is really beginning to understand the pull between our flesh and our spirit. Starting over would have been much easier had she stopped with what she thought and repented of it at that time before she let it slip through her lips. How many times I have done the same? When I wished that I would have thought something through before I said it or I look back in disgust at times I have acted in ways that our not pleasing to the Lord.
Through all of those things God has taught me tremendous lessons, just like he is teaching KK. He continues to teach me as I am teaching my children through the mistakes that their Daddy and I have made. I am learning through the mistakes that they make. How can a holy and perfect God give us start over moments? I wonder how often I have missed the opportunity to start over, to fix or mend a wrong that I have caused. I pray that my children don't miss the boat as many times as I have, that their precious hearts would be sensitive to the spirit's leading and they would be willing and obedient to Him who calls them.

1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Matthew 6:14 "For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.

2 Corinthians 2:10 "But one whom you forgive anything, I forgive also; for indeed what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ."

Colossians 3:12 "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."


His word reminds me over and over again how important forgiveness is. He knew we were going to struggle with forgiving and seeking forgiveness. Oh, what an opportunity for KK to see how important it is that she is forgiven by her Savior and that he is presenting her with an opportunity to seek forgiveness from the ones she has wronged. She is a precious girl and loves the Lord. I know he will use this tremedously in her life. He has used tonight tremendously in mine. To see heartfelt repentance and sadness over sin. I think as grown-ups we often forget to be 'child-like' and truly broken over our sin nature. Yes it breaks my heart but many times I miss the seemingly small sins. Oh, Lord forgive my blindness. I wish to see all of my sin as Jesus sees my sin. Not in the jaded view of my human flesh. Open my eyes to see Lord. Help me to listen. Let us start over fresh tomorrow and remember that your mercies are new each and every morning. It is never to late to start over. You are the God of redemption and restoration. You specialize in start overs, from the biggest to the smallest. My life is a living, breathing testimony of that grace. I pray that the fragrance of our lives would be pleasing to you. May all the glory be to you Lord Jesus.